When You Aren’t Really Over It

You think you’ve gotten over it. Something from the past that you believed you’d dealt with and put to rest rears its ugly head again. You really thought if it came up again, you’d be ready. But you never are. This is how I felt this morning when Patty called with Sarah’s latest labs, the first in over three months. Results are below:

AST 117          (was 34)

ALT 347          (was 29)

GGT 154         (was 16)

ALK Phos 417 (was 264)

  

To those of you liver parents, these numbers may or may not appear startling. I’m so used to seeing them my eyes begin to glaze over when I read them. It’s not the numbers that get to me; it’s the fact Sarah will need another biopsy and that there is a likelihood of a hospital stay.

Perhaps I’ve become too complacent (or joyful!) that Sarah’s enjoyed such a “quiet” time in her liver journey. She’s experienced the longest and healthiest stretch of time in her life, post-transplant. Maybe that’s what gets me.

I’ve watched other kids struggle during this same time; some have even flown home to heaven. It’s hard to ever become fully comfortable in the land of post-transplant life. There’s always the thought rejection could occur and the body no longer recognizes the liver as a friendly organism. We just need to put those thoughts aside, though, and drink in the richness of each day with our children and other loved ones.

And that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s hard to even comprehend I still feel so unsettled when it comes to Sarah’s life. There’s still so much uncertainty and while it’s likely this will be nothing more than a bump in the road, with life resuming a normal routine, it’s difficult to maintain such positive thoughts all the time.

I’m okay now and fully realize that God may be opening up a door for us; that there may be someone, a family, a member of the staff, at Children’s that needs encouragement that we can provide. And I’m good with that. No matter how much jumbled our lives may get, or how often the possibility of rejection lifts its ugly head, I choose to focus on what is possible through God.